Tezz? Dheema, more like!

(Published in The Sunday Guardian on 29 April 2012, retrieved from http://www.sunday-guardian.com/masala-art/dheema-more-like)

Cast: Ajay Devgn, Anil Kapoor, Boman Irani, Mohanlal, Zayed Khan, Kangana Ranaut, Sameera Reddy

Director: Priyadarshan

Rating: 1 star

When a film begins with stubble on a man, spittle from a woman, and bad cops in a London courtroom, and ends with an exchange between sentimental desi terrorists and patriotic desi cops, you kinda figure why no one wants Indians around. If you don’t give us work permits, we’ll bomb your country. Or, as Anil Kapoor puts it, we’ll “bombbbbb” your country. And it’s all your fault, you racists!

I honestly have no clue where to begin. Do I go with Kangana Ranaut’s delicate fainting act after the London Metropolitan Police hit her? Or this handy lesson – you can avoid deportation by bashing up the cops who punch your wife?  Or do I begin with my deductions? A man with a hooked nose and a hoodie, who says “inshallah”, has to be a terrorist. If a guy points a gun at you and says “show me the money”, you can bully him into submission by biting out, “show me the stuff”. Bobbies are evil, bobbies are racist, bobbies go to nightclubs in bulletproof vests, bobbies are the new daddies. And you can give the Metropolitan Police the slip by going to Desi Clubwhere a skimpily clad chick purrs, “Do you wanna get hot? Do you wanna get wet?” as she jolts her way through epileptic dance moves.

Do I skip to the godawful graphics and the unbelievably terrible timing of the one song? See, this movie has more wrinkles than music. Don’t anyone dare say “no country for old men” when Ajay Devgn, Anil Kapoor (complete with Brit-Americo-Indian accent), Mohanlal and Boman Irani can be the Fantastic Four! Of them, Irani oozes the most sex appeal.

This is an innovative film, though. What do you do to make aging men run fast? Fast forward your tapes, never mind if tree leaves go hyper, police car lights blink maniacally, and passersby walk like they’re in a Charlie Chaplin movie. This could also be the first film that manages to make every motor chase boring. Poor Sameera Reddy can’t rescue them for all the catsuits and cleavage in the world. Neither can Zayed Khan, despite landing on a boat with a dull thump that makes you think, “isska lineage toh khatam ho gaya.” It’s definitely the first movie in which I’ve seen Mohanlal flail.

The Verdict: The best thing about this Speed-inspired film is we’re spared the sight of Boman Irani and Mohanlal making out with the train drivers at the end.