(Published in Sify.com on 27 April 2012, retrieved from http://www.sify.com/news/sachin-for-president-rekha-for-speaker-news-columns-me1oSxdejif.html?ref=false)
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“What do you think of the Unfollow Sachin trend on Twitter?”
“Umm, I wasn’t too concerned about that. I was fighting nightmares about a wrinkles-and-white-hair-
“Okay, so there was this Unfollow Sachin trend because he was nominated.”
“As in, people want him in the Air Force or Army or whatever he’s been given an honorary rank in, and they want him scoring hundreds of hundreds, but they don’t want him sitting in the Rajya Sabha?”
“I suppose it goes to show that people’s love of Sachin is overshadowed by their disgust with the netas.”
“I think they should make Sachin President.”
“Of the Congress?”
“Of the nation. Please, he’s a Tendulkar, not a Gandhi. It’s about time we had a young one, no? A young President of the Nation, just so we’re clear.”
“Well, we can be relatively sure he won’t forget to salute the flag on his foreign trips.”
“Plus, he looks rather more dapper in military uniform than Pratibha Patil.”
“And, this could be his surest shot at cornering the Bharat Ratna.”
“But we’re being facetious now.”
“We’re always facetious.”
“No, dude, this is an important decision for me. I’ve taken into account the all-round potential for India’s growth in economy, diplomacy and society before coming up with that.”
“You were fantasising about two old women dancing around an old man before coming up with that.”
“Please, Rekhaji is never old! In fact, I think the only way to get the Houses to shut up would be to make her Speaker. More on that later. For now, Sachin. Can you think of anyone else who’s as caste-free, class-free, gender-free, allegiance-free as Sachin? He unites the nation in a way that only anti-gay activism can. Look at the potential for societal growth, for that melting pot we’ve been aspiring for. And because it’s a nominal role – hahaha, pun intended – there’s no question of politics coming into this thing, right?”
“Oh, I get where you’re going now. Think of how much our laws will be worth once he’s signed them!”
“Yeah, and his signature’s on Wikipedia anyway, so anyone can forge it if the issue gets contentious, na?”
“Do you think any issue that requires Presidential consent gets contentious?”
“Will he have to handle the pardoning of the Rajiv Gandhi murder case convicts etcetera?”
“Oh, I suppose he’ll have high-level talks with Muthiah Muralitharan or something.”
“Yes, that brings me to another point. Our government specialises in cricket diplomacy, right? As in, whenever we’re pissed off with some country, the first thing we do is stop playing cricket with them.”
“That makes our government sound a little infantile, no?”
“Oversimplification is the shortest route to a solution. Amateur political analysts should know that.”
“Touché. So, where are you headed with the cricket diplomacy?”
“I suppose we can make peace with all our ‘enemy’ countries by playing friendlies with them.”
“No, ya, that will only lead to controversy. Like, will they be official or not? Will Sachin’s hundreds in them count or not? Besides, how do you decide who wins? Does India win if India wins, or if the President scores a century?”
“You’re right. Maybe they should decide the winner with the coin toss.”
“Hey, do you think India and Pakistan will become frands if Imran Khan comes to power there, and Sachin comes to power here?”
“Please. We’re having a serious discussion here. Don’t bring Imran Khan into it.”
“All right, fine. Sachin for President. Now, let’s move on to Rekha for Speaker.”
“Can’t you see her leaning into the mic. and saying shanti ho jaiye?”
“No, but I can see her smiling and lifting a bejewelled hand at the House before bringing it to her lips to imply shanti ho jaiye.”
“See, Rekhaji makes you spout bad poetic phrases.”
“I can also see her saying, ‘But doctor, what about my scars?’”
“Yeah, that’s the downside. Somehow, the bad dialogues are the only ones you remember with Rekhaji. Like that other one in Kamasutraabout the lower lip being more sensitive.”
“I’m embarrassed to admit I actually tried it. I think it’s true.”
“But the good thing is, if the House refuses to shut up, she could always get up and dance.”
“The bad thing is, Vidya Balan will probably try to follow her into the House too.”
“Well, that’s not so bad for the government. Sabyasachi Mukherjee’ll probably make Didi smile with a new wardrobe, you know.”
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