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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

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(Published in on 10 November, 2011, retrieved from

NOTE: I have no political affiliations; I find people who take themselves too seriously rather funny, and my main philosophy is what George Carlin put across so well: “I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

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“Did you see Bigg Boss, with Swami Agnivesh in the house?”
“No. They had a documentary on the mating habits of crustaceans on NatGeo or Discovery Animals, and I found that to be a far more engaging reality show.”
“I’m not surprised your parents have been asking you to get married.”
“What did Swami Agnivesh do?”
“I didn’t watch. But then, I was thinking about how much more interesting it would be to get a whole bunch of politicians and activists together in that thing.”
“Whom would you nominate?”
“Well, obviously Manmohan and Sonia...Hey, we might actually find the source of her mysterious illness then, huh? People always find out they’re ill on reality shows.”
“I wouldn’t say that, dude. I mean, about Sonia’s illness. Sometimes, I think the only thing she’s got stashed away in those Swiss banks are her medical records.”
“Do you think she finds it offensive that people keep making references to Switzerland when they talk about her, when she’s actually from Italy?”
“But she also finds it offensive when people say she’s from Italy. Isn’t that why the Nationalist Congress Party was formed? Anyway, who else would you put in?”
“Obviously, Anna Hazare and Kiran Bedi.”
“How about Arvind Kejriwal?”
“Umm, I don’t know. He’s more of a moderator type than a contestant type, isn’t he? Maybe he can be the presenter or something?”
“No, man, Meira Kumar has to be the presenter. She’s already got anchoring experience too, I think.”
“Yeah, I can kind of see it. ‘Cue, ma’am.’ ‘Please sit down, please sit down. Coming to you live...please wait your turn’. ‘Ma’am, that’s the studio director speaking, ma’am, please continue’.”
“Hahaha. So, how many contestants are there in Bigg Boss?”
“I think it’s eighteen. But let’s not bother with that for now. How many do we have? Four, right? And then throw in the ladies – Maya, Mamata, Jaya.”
“You’re throwing in three unmarried ladies with one bachelor?”
“You think Anna Hazare will find love?”
“Doubt it. I don’t think he has a lot in common with any of those three. But maybe he can convince Maya not to build white elephants in her living room. Or state parks.”
“They're pink. But I hope for his sake that he doesn’t fall for anyone. I mean, if all the fuss over Irom Sharmila Chanu falling in love is anything to go by...”
“Well, you need a few more men in there, to balance it out.”
“We could have Swami Agnivesh. He’s got the experience now.”
“And I think he’s celibate, too. Isn’t he?”
“How would I know? And anyway, what’s your point? We need three eligible bachelors to balance out the three spinsters? Fine, let’s bring in Abdul Kalam.”
“Yeah, he’s back in the news. Shot off a 200 crore plan to the Centre, which doesn’t address the safety issues at the Koodankulam project, but discusses progress and development in the area.”
“He has 20/20 vision, dude. And I’m partial to his anecdotes. He’d bring in that story about the bumblebee and keep the peace.”
“And who else, Narendra Modi?”
“Is he a bachelor? I thought there were news reports about an estranged wife teaching in some village.”
“I think he and Anna could get into a fast face-off. Or a maun vrat face-off.”
“Dude, if you’re allowed to blog and issue statements when you’re on a maun vrat, I’ve been on one for weeks!”
“We’re up to ten now, I think.”
“We should bring in Pranab and Chidu too. It would be like the Shilpa Shetty-Jade Goody thing.”
“Wouldn’t that be repetitive?”
“Well, the ladies were hotter. But...”
“No, I meant didn’t they enact that whole thing over the 2G note?”
“Hey! We haven’t got anyone from the 2G thing.”
“That’s because they’re all in Tihar. But maybe Karunanidhi could make his way in?”
“The only thing he’s said in years that any of the others can understand is aenh?, so...”
“No, Chidu and Jaya can translate.”
“No, Karunanidhi and Jaya would be firing salvos at each other all the time.”
“I think Jaya comes out on top most of the time. Subtlety is not Karunanidhi’s strongpoint.”
“Hmm. But we’re pulling in too many politicians. We need some activists too.”
“How about we bung in Arundhati Roy?”
“No, dude, that’s scary. She has an army of Gandhians with guns, remember?”
“So what, there’s Anna – the Gandhian with a...with a...”
“Are you trying to choose among the many hats he wears?”
“I’ve only seen him in the one topi.”
“Heyyyy! How about Baba Ramdev?”
“On the activist team? No, dude, we would not want him to raid Jayalalithaa’s collection of saris and shawls.”
“Fine, what about Medha Patkar?”
“No, she’d say the place is not green enough or something.”
“Electronics are banned in the Bigg Boss House, dude!”
“Well, but water will still be wasted and all of that.”
“Fine, forget the activists. How about Shashi Tharoor?”
“Oh, no, that’s a bad idea. The poor man will have to lug along a comprehensive dictionary-lexicon type thing that defines every English term his interlocutors won’t...uhh..”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“Holy cow, that’s a lot of baggage.”
“On the upside, it would keep him from tweeting anything controversial.”
“I think he’s stayed off controversial tweets for a long time now. He’s even got rather patient with people who keep asking him about whether he’s got a Swiss bank account.”
“Ah, that’s the media training. Well, there’s no point bringing him in then. He’s found inner peace. You know, reached the beyond. Zen.”
“By the way, who’ll run the country when all these people are in the Bigg Boss House? I mean, most of the Opposition is on a chariot tour of the country, and Rahul’s growing a beard in UP, right?”
“No, I think he’s come back and had a shave. But I do wonder when the last time he slept in his own bed was. He’s always making other people put him up. And I don’t see how it would win him any brownie points. It’s kind of like ‘Oh, you can’t afford two meals a day? I’ll eat with you. You have one cot? I’ll take it.’ That seems more of an imposition than anything else.”
“Are you saying he’s driving up food inflation by eating too much?”
“Maybe Manmohan Singh and Pranab Mukherjee can answer that. But you know what, I don’t think the running of the country will be that different. I mean, how many days does the Parliament not get adjourned anyway? And the whole country’s distracted waiting for Sachin’s hundredth 100.”
“So, who would be the Bigg Boss?”
“Isn’t it has to be Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. He’s always called upon to mediate whenever there’s a crisis in the nation. And with so many potential fasts in the offing, they’ll need him around to supervise the breaking.”


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