Reliving the Ramsay Era

(Published in The Sunday Guardian, on 9 September, 2012, retrieved from http://www.sunday-guardian.com/masala-art/return-of-the-ramsay-era)

Cast: Bipasha Basu, Emraan Hashmi, Esha Gupta

Director: Vikram Bhatt

Rating: ½ star

Remember the wash basins from which creepy-crawlies would emerge? The showers that spewed blood on a heroine, bewilderingly bathing in her swimsuit? The monsters with molten wax-like faces who would have their way with a screaming virgin? The tantric chants? The cracked, burnt hands that would wind their way around sundry necks? The fiery hero who would take on the dark forces, usually to his own or his lover’s detriment? Well, throw in Daddy issues and freaky clowns, and you’ve got Raaz 3.

Apparently, the film is titled ‘The Third Dimension’. And apparently, the movie starred Esha Gupta and not Sunny Leone. I just can’t tell the difference between those two, though I’ve seen them in various Bhatt productions. I think it has to do with the fact that they both constantly pant, irrespective of what’s happening on screen.

The story? Well, Shanaya Shekhar (Bipasha Basu) is a megalomaniac has-been actress who switches allegiance from the Gayatri Mantra to Kabristani tantra faster than you can say, “And the award goes to...” Emraan Hashmi reprises his perennial role as movie-director-turned-serial-kisser. His name here, if you must know, is Aditya Arora. Sanjana Krishna (Esha Gupta) is a newcomer whose inability to act is less stupefying than her ability to win awards. Whaddya know, they’re linked by a sad back story. As if this weren’t a good enough recipe for a mess, there’s a shrink who looks like a bouncer, a langda godman-of-sorts, and an aatma who has worms pouring out of crevices they burrow into.

Let’s move on now to how stupid each of these characters is. Shanaya believes the best way to kill an actress’ career is to make her dance nanga on a table at a party. Sanjana believes love will lead her out of a nightmarish existence where people hang themselves and get beheaded in her presence. Aditya believes he can get laid in secret, when the women he’s laying are famous actresses.

The story is facilitated by a woman who takes pictures of her daughter cowering, as a clown who appears to be a sexual predator corners the girl. Its twists are facilitated by a woman whose math is so poor she assumes Room 3 will adjoin Room 7. Dude, don’t youknow paint has a way of dripping down sinisterly to turn ‘8’s into ‘3’s in horror movies?! And you call yourself an actress?!

The Verdict: The most logical scene in this film has Emraan Hashmi’s character reading Open magazine while waiting for a ghost.