(Published in Sify.com on 18 August, 2011, retrieved from http://www.sify.com/news/a-
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Once upon a time, in a city called Noodley, the capital of a land called Mataon ki Baaraat – well, mainly because of the scary Mother Figures that headed the ruling party Digress – an old man’s right to fast turned into a Parliamentary debate. And among the ministers of this land, the most fatigued were the Prime Minister – let’s call him ‘Dr S’, though his friends call him ‘Mo’ – and the Home Minister – let’s call him Chip. After a particularly eventful couple of days, the duo spoke to each other from their respective white cars.
“Yes, Mo?”
“Have you seen the TV, Chip?”
“Yes, we look like a couple of schoolboys in detention.”
“Pathetic, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, maybe we should have slugged it out like Sibby and Sush.”
“People are stereotyping me all the time, Chip. I’m called ‘weak’, ‘lame duck’, ‘reluctant’...I mean, that’s unfair. Except for our Finance Minister, which Digress member has declared he would want to be Prime Minister? And Prammo didn’t become PM, for all his bombast.”
“Listen, Mo, can we do this another time? I’m dealing with a burglary now.”
“Hey, you can’t say things like that over the phone! They’ve got them all tapped. Didn’t you learn anything from cash-for-votes? And2G? And the chewing gum?”
“Uh, I was talking about a burglary in my house...oh, well, never mind. People don’t stereotype you, Mo. They give you different adjectives each time.”
“Yes, but have you noticed that none of those are complimentary?”
“Are you saying you’ve earned all of them?”
“Well...not quite what I meant. I don’t have a magic wand, you know.”
“Oh, Mo, come on. Not the wand again.”
“Hey, it’s worked every time since 2007!”
“No, Mo, it hasn’t. The wand doesn’t exist. It doesn’t work. Let’s forget this hypothetical wand for now, shall we?”
“Yes, all right. Let’s talk about the Thousand Anna Problem.”
“What?”
“The Thousand Anna Problem...you know...”
“Oh, dear god...and I’m an atheist too. Really, Mo, we’re codenaming it that now? Why, Mo, why can’t we do one thing differently from the US?”
“Hey, you’re a one to talk! You abandoned your dhoti for a suit when you went there!”
“I just didn’t want people asking me about my sarong. Look, all I’m saying is Thousand Anna is kind of duh, right?”
“Oh, so now, nomenclature is an issue?”
“On the subject, this Gandhi vs. Gandhi thing is messing things up. I mean, right now, it looks like we’re against the movement against corruption.”
“So fix it, with some PC talk.”
“That’s been getting me into trouble, Mo. I’m not taking another leather missile from the media.”
“No, I meant PC as in Political Correctness.”
“Ah, I thought you meant Press Conference. See, nomenclature is an issue. And being politically correct is getting increasingly hard. We’ve got this Gandhian in jail – fasting in jail – and you have me saying the police acted on their own. And then, these mysterious sources go tell the media we planned to hold Thousand Anna for a few hours. Now, we’ve made a big hero out of him.”
“The smear campaign fell through, huh?”
“And here we were, thinking corruption charges would work against anyone who wears white-and-white.”
“Are we talking about Gandhiji?”
“Which one of them?”
“Uh, I meant the original. Anyway, there’s no Gandhi involved here. Madam’s away, you know, being treated for the-thing-we-can’t-talk-about.
“Yes, yes, the only news she made was that she didn’t make it to your speech.”
“But she was in...”
“No, figuratively. She didn’t figure in your speech.”
“Yes, and I left MK and the pundit out too.”
“But you kept the magic wand.”
“No, I don’t have one! How many times do I have to tell you, Chip?”
“You really are slow today, Mo. Well, but there’s another Gandhi situation brewing up. He’s gone and told the media he plans to introduce Thousand Anna’s version of the Bill as a Private Member’s Bill!”
“Oh, God, we should really get Diggy to spend less time with the boy! He forgets which side is Right.”
“No, not him. The other Gandhi. You know, the Right one.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Baby sitting Madam’s son is getting tiring, you know. I’m always stressed, I don’t have enough me-time, I haven’t even...”
“Mo, you should vent to Diggy. He’s been through this. But see, I can’t say we’ll wait for Madam to come back. You know, we went and met the yoga guy when she was here. I’m so tired of all those wisecracks about us bending backwards in his presence!”
“Oh, yes, him. What’s he up to these days?”
“Never mind. We know he can’t last a fast. Boy, nine days! I mean, the GM diet has you fasting for longer than that.”
“Hey, you guys went on a diet?”
“No, not us. I said ‘GM’, not ‘GoM’.”
“What do you mean, you said ‘GoM’, not ‘GoM’?”
“Are you tripping on my intonation now?”
“No, I think it’s the hair in my ears. I haven’t trimmed it in nearly eight decades, you know.”
“I didn’t need to know. Why are you laughing?”
“It’s just that this irony occurred to me. Now, Team Thousand and our scamsters are all in the same ward!”
“Mo, you really need to read the papers. The media’s been going on about it for two days!”
“Arre, where do I have the time to read papers? I’m preparing answers all the time!”
“And yet, I’m the one fending off questions.”
“You know, this Thousand Anna thing has united the Opposition for the first time in years.”
“Yes, and I know it’s united more people than the Section 377 thing. I’ve been monitoring BBC to figure out whether they’re calling it Indie Spring or something.”
“What is that? The uprising of all independent nations?”
“You really are out of touch, huh? Now, Mo, why are you laughing again?”
“I just thought of a one-liner. You want to hear it?”
“Is it a knock-knock joke?”
“No, no, it’s to do with our subject. Here it is – Losing Thousand Annas never proved this costly. Good one, huh?”
“Yeah, that made me snicker for a brief moment.”
“Do you think I could tell this at one of those G-meets?”
“No. It’s not great for the country’s image, and it would fall flat, because you’d have to explain the whole anna currency, and why we don’t use it anymore, and...”
“Hey, that reminds me. I need some new material for my speeches.”
“You’re changing your Independence Day speech?!”
“No, no. The G-meet speech.”
“I think you could use the magic wand line there. They’d probably get inspired and use it in their own countries.”
“Yeah...yeah, you may be on to something there. Look at what’s happening around the world. They can use it everywhere. There is no magic wand to stop riots. There is no magic wand to fight starvation. There is no magic wand to quell racism. There is no magic wand to change credit rating. There is no magic wand to end war. There is no magic wand to tackle terror. There is...”
“All right, all right, how about my statement to the press? What do you think I should say?”
“How about ‘There is no magic wand to create democracy’?”
Disclaimer: Did we mention that any resemblance to real-life characters, situations, and geographical areas is coincidental? Well, it is.
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