The Clique of the Frowny Baba

(Published in Zeitgeist, The New Indian Express, on 14th November, 2009)

“So why aren’t you doing the yoga-meditation course?” has apparently been the most-used sentence over the past few weeks in most corporate offices where I have sources.

The one industry that has benefited from the effects of recession is what one future legend (on whose proposed life and work I will shortly elaborate) calls the ‘pop philosophy jingbang’. As layoffs continue across the board, and the corporate world firmly persists in the belief that the recession is not over despite the stocks looking greener on the other side of the globe, the survivors of these layoffs are beginning to show symptoms of hypertension, disillusionment and premature aging.

And rather than hike up the salaries of these bedraggled survivors, corporates are spending huge amounts of money on new age gurus who are hired to impart the art of leaving gracefully, hyperventilating smoothly and dealing with being forced to assume embarrassing positions. While those who’ve not cut sorry figures yet aspire to sinewy ones, having foregone meaty paycheques, some of us who aren’t interested in aspirating techniques have been chalking up our own recession plans.

I happened to mention to a group of my friends in the media that I intend to become a disburser-of-secrets-to-a-peaceful-life when I have enough grey hairs on my head to pull that off. It turned out every one of them nursed this PoA. While we were making wisecracks about The Art, The Secret and The Hackneyed Phrase (“When you want something, the entire universe conspires yadda-yadda-yadda”), the Future Legend coined the phrase ‘pop philosophy jingbang’.

“Oh my God, he is perfect Baba material!” I said, to which The Mastermind of Our Clique said “yes, yes, he can just sit and frown. Now, all we need is a good name for him and for us.” After a few moments of deep contemplation, The Mastermind pronounced, “Frowny Baba” and then came up with the tagline, “Just have a brownie, baba.”

Our group, which goes by The Brownie Clique, has decided to conduct special courses on The Art of Leaving, and will cater exclusively to disillusioned-or-sacked corporate workers. (Our recently-laid-off former marketing-consultant-friends have told us that an exclusive mass audience is integral to the success of any venture.) The course will comprise three crucial components:

· Inhaling (smoke): the Frowny Baba will teach inductees into the course how to maximise the effects of a single cigarette (whose prices haven’t reduced despite a large percentage of consumers having been relieved of their corporate responsibilities).

· Forgetting (oneself): the Frowny Baba will send out teams of inductees to search out the cheapest and most effective brands of alcohol available. Inside information has indicated these liqueurs are known by the names of the gangs that brew them in little known jungles. Some of these brands are also known to expedite one’s passage into one’s next birth and a new life.

· Yo! Gah! : the Frowny Baba will induct signees into The Brownie Clique’s mantra. The “Yo!” and the “Gah!” are the two most used expressions when one is watching television. The first of these is usually used when someone gets in the way, while the second is most often used at the beginning of an ad break. Both are known to be very effective in relieving stress.

But our followers must keep in mind that consumption of water interferes with the destruction of the liver that is the aim of our Forgetting (oneself) component and therefore will be prohibited. And to state the obvious, all food except brownies is contraband in the Clique’s soon-to-be-established sprawling premises. For the moment, we are using our Facebook farms.

(With special thanks to The Mastermind, who will go by the name of Abhinav Sahay until his impending success, and Frowny Baba, who will stay anonymous by decree of our branding team.)