'Amma, the Guy I Want to Marry...Uh...Has A...'

(Published in Zeitgesit, The New Indian Express, dated 14 February, 2009)

While media, activists and citizens of the world have gone up in arms against the Sri Ram Sene threat to marry off couples found cosying up in public, I know at least one woman who is euphoric at the prospect. She has been trying for three years, unsuccessfully, to break the news that she has been dating someone from another state and religion to her parents. She has got as far as, "amma, there's…uh…you know that John-guy, this friend of mine…uh…he bought a dog. It's really cute." Enough to elicit a puzzled half-smile and a bewildered nod, but those can't usually be interpreted as parental approval to tying the knot. Her mother thinks of John as a sort of demented dog-collector, but that hasn't helped the case much.

"So all we have to do is hold hands?" she said, excitedly, showing me an article in the papers.

"That seems to be the lower limit," I said, "you can always tell your parents he was helping you cross over the gutter."

"Awesome!"

The two of them plan to go to the beach, a couple of prominent parks, and hang out somewhere near a pub or movie, far enough from the unwelcome protection of bouncers, on Valentine's Day. A few tears and media publicity should do the trick. A messy annulment or divorce in the public eye would ruin the girl's future, and John would be the knight in shining armour who stood by the bride forcibly thrust on him.

The outcome of their love story remains to be seen, but the moral policing could turn out to be a reprieve for quite a few couples. Take for instance, the ones where a partner is afraid of the 'commitment', but plans to make it at some point in future. I know of one man who is practically married, whose girlfriend's parents have become old buddies of his own, and whose girlfriend's only cause for insecurity is the fear she may hit menopause before he can bear to lose his bachelor tag, and therefore be deprived of motherhood. Apparently, the main factor holding him back is a boast that dates back to his college days that he doesn't believe in the institution of marriage. Despite having been mono-non-gamous for about a decade now, he believes it will be a loss of face if he were to lay his sword down and bow at the altar of the hated institution. Being forcibly married off would solve both their problems quite neatly. He has always claimed to be more against the institution of divorce than marriage (logic has never been a major strength of his).

A family friend who has been going pale as wedding budgets rise year after year, and recession hit even as his daughter has begun a Ph.D. which she isn't likely to finish within four years, has finally found reason to smile. "Eight to nine lakhs saved!" he said, dramatically, stopping over for coffee one day. "All you need to do is fix a boy before Valentine's Day!"

I don't quite know how well the weeklong hunt for a suitable groom to spring upon his daughter has gone, but the unexpected political resolution, which could go about ten percent of the way to building his dream house, seems to have given him a zeal reminiscent of Portuguese and Spanish explorers of the middle ages. Those who have read the fine print might have come across the clause that moral police might get into a toss-up between a wedding and a rakhi-tying ceremony. While this could come as a bit of a bummer to some couples, it's a rather effective way of getting rid of sentimental stalkers.