(Published in Sify.com on 9 March, 2012, retrieved from http://www.sify.com/news/when-the-cycle-squashed-the-hand-news-columns-mdjkqWcehhh.html)
“So the infighting in the Congress seems to be about who should take the blame for the debacle in UP now.”
“Haan, Rita Bahuguna Joshi, Digvijay Singh and Rahul have all been vying for the honours.”
“Notice that Robert Gandhi hasn’t said a word, though?”
“Robert Vadra, you mean?”
“Didn’t he change his name after marriage?”
“Not yet. Though he’s made the right noises about giving up everything for Priyanka. Not that she seems particularly impressed.”
“Too bad he thought a Dabangg moustache and entourage of bikes would work in UP.”
“Now that you mention it, I think ‘Chulbul Gandhi’ would suit him. Though the voters kinda showed everyone they think cycles are moreaam aadmi than motorbikes.”
“Anyway, this should teach Rahul not to go around sharing the food and bedding of people who’re short of it themselves.”
“You can’t accuse him of sharing their shaving cream, at least. Or cologne.”
“True that. What was the Devdas look for?”
“Premonition, maybe.”
“Maybe the Congress lot should just let him take the blame. He’s the one who inspired the Samajwadi Party to project their own heir.”
“Yeah, and Akhilesh Yadav came complete with a roof over his head too. And clean-shaven.”
“If voters in UP are as concerned about facial hair as you are, maybe it all boils down to that.”
“Actually, I think a lot of it has to do with the communal rhetoric. I mean, seriously, leave the reservation issue aside – but when you go and scream about the Batla House Encounter in UP, aren’t you making it obvious that you’re only using UP as a lever for Delhi?”
“I think it was the reservation-related rhetoric. Next thing, the Congress will be asking for reservation for themselves in all the state assemblies.”
“Well, even their allies have reservations about them, so...”
“If we’re having pun, allow me to say Mayawati herself has reservations about reservation now.”
“Ah, Maya. What’ll happen to all the Behenji statues now?”
“They could break them down, along with the elephant statues, and use the stones to build hospitals. The handbags should be enough to make an entire maternity ward.”
“Talk about mothering her legacy.”
“I’m surprised she hasn’t brought up the unfair policies of the Election Commission. You know, the elephant statues were draped, but people were still allowed to ride cycles and so on.”
“I suppose the EC would’ve allowed people to ride elephants too. Didn’t they?”
“What about cycle ads? And shop boards? And cycle repair shop signboards?”
“Maybe you should become her propaganda secretary.”
“No, dude. I saw this one picture of her, wearing jewellery, and this one huge earring was glinting in the sunlight. I can’t clean up the mess after that PR disaster.”
“Well, in her defence, she never claimed she was slumming it.”
“Meh. But seriously, what do you think they’ll do with all those elephant statues? And Maya incarnations?”
“I honestly don’t think they’ll build schools or hospitals with those. I mean, the only state I can think of that would try to convert a statue into a hospital is Tamil Nadu.”
“No, you’re getting mixed up. They move statues, and convert libraries into hospitals.”
“Which is probably not a bad idea. I’m sure there are more sick people than studious people in any given state.”
“Touché. Well, you know what, I think they could try converting some of those Maya statues into Mulayam statues. Their hairstyles are not too different. Neither is their dress sense.”
“What about that handbag, though?”
“They could probably convert it into a laptop bag.”
“But didn’t Mulayam want to ban computers and English a couple of years ago?”
“This time round, SP promised free laptops if voted to power.”
“Talk about a wheelie...”
“Speaking of reverses, remember when he tried to teach people in UP Tamil to make up for students in Tamil Nadu learning Hindi?”
“Let’s face it, the only person who could teach people in UP Tamil is Dhanush, and even he decided to stick to two words – Kolaveri Di.”
“I like that song. Stop being snide about it.”
“I’m a snob. I’m critical of sub-standard things.”
“No, being critical of sub-standard things is normal. You’re a snob when you’re critical of good things.”
“No, you’re a Communist when you’re critical of good things.”
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